Best Friends

I’d like to share just a little bit of my story. My husband and I have been married for 31 years. 3 months after we were married, he felt the call to go into full-time ministry. We were at our first church for 8 years and did everything together–visitation, VBS, youth, you name it, we did it TOGETHER. We were at our 2nd church for 9 years. We ministered together as well, although we started drifting apart. Our third church we were at for 7 years. During those 7 years, I worked as church secretary/bookkeeper. While I was at the church office doing church things, my husband would go on visitations with other men from the church and I started resenting that. Jealousy maybe, I dunno. The last couple of years that we were at that church, we went through some hard times with our family. Our next to youngest daughter (16 at the time) started to have some severe mental illnesses and had many, MANY acute hospital stays, our 15-year-old daughter was extremely rebellious. Our oldest daughter (24 at the time) got pregnant and wasn’t married–and she was living at home with us. We left our last church the end of April 2018 because it was time–it’s something that I think only someone in full-time ministry can truly understand.

 

When we left our last church, we left without having another place of ministry to go to. Without a doubt, this summer has been the worst months of our lives. We stayed with one of our daughters for about 6 weeks, but then we were homeless for about 6 months, we slept in the back of our van and we’d eat things that we wouldn’t have to cook–like sandwiches and Little Caesar’s Pizza. My husband has suffered tremendous self-doubt, self-worth problems, he would say things like “If I knew I’d go to heaven, I’d just end it right now.” He lost over 60 pounds, because he’d go days without eating. He’d go days with only sleeping an hour or two a night.

 

During this time of being homeless and despondent, God did a miracle in us as a couple. We only had each other–and the Lord of course. But we only had each other, so we had to depend on each other for support. There were a few times when I the thought went through my mind that I should just walk away from everything, to get in my car and start driving until I ran out of gas, then start a new life somewhere else. You know, like just disappear where no one could find me. There were 5 reasons why I didn’t do that, though. . . Piper, Mina, Brantley, Hadley and Scarlett, my 5 beautiful granddaughters. I couldn’t leave and know they would grow up not knowing me.

 

Today we are closer than ever. We actually enjoy each other’s company now. We hold hands, kiss and . . .well, let’s just leave it at that (haha). We pray with each other, and we (usually) kiss goodbye when we have to leave for work. I can honestly say my husband is my best friend for the first time in 31 years. We don’t go anywhere or do anything without asking each other to go.

Although we are still waiting on our next ministry assignment from God, we believe it’s coming.  God has led us through the desert.  HE has allowed us to experience the things we did for a reason.  I don’t know why we had to be homeless, I don’t know why God allowed my husband to experience depression and severe anxiety and burn-out.  But it happened.  All I know is that God allowed Job, Elijah, Moses and other men of the Old Testament to experience hard times, and they made it through.  GOD did it for them and HE will do it for us.  Until we receive that call and that placement, we will be enjoying our new-found “best friends”.

FAITHFULNESS OF GOD

I don’t even know where to begin.  Once again, I am amazed at the faithfulness of God.  These past few years have been something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  They have, by far, been the hardest times of our lives, yet the most exciting.  

Lamentations 3:22-23–“The LORD’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease; for HIS compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is YOUR faithfulness.”

Our next to youngest daughter is now 19, and she’s in a psychiatric hospital.  She’s been there for 5 months now, and no plan to leave in the foreseeable future.  When she was 15, she was diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality disorder (BPD), major depression, psychosis, sociopathic tendencies and too many other to name.  It’s like one day she was fine, the next she wasn’t.  She had 18–yes EIGHTEEN–acute psychiatric hospital stays until we finally found a group home that would be willing to take her.  She’s had suicide attempts, and she’s had violent outbursts toward us and toward other people. She was at her first group home before she moved to another one, and she was at her second home before she was admitted to the psych hospital.  She was only suppose to be there for 30-90 days, but we’re having a hard time finding a place that will take her, given her violent past.

Due to some rebellious teenage times, our youngest daughter spent a few months at Teen Challenge.  I won’t go into all the details, but she’s currently living with a family member in another state and she’ll be finishing her Senior year of high school a year late.  This is definitely a God-thing, but I’ll save it for another time.  She seems to be doing super where she is now, she’s going to church and she’s found a job!  I’m really proud of how she’s doing and how far she’s come.

Due to no fault of our own, and no one else’s fault, we have left our pastorate in a suburb of Kansas City, MO.  We are currently living with our middle daughter and her family.  There’s 5 adults, 3 kids, 4 dogs, 6 cats and a Guinea pig in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house!  Crazy, huh?  I’m dealing with the idea of only one bathroom with so many people, it’s actually working out quite well.  The thing I have the hardest time with is having quiet time.  All the adults are on different work schedules, and the kids are on different sleep schedules so it’s been really tough finding quiet time.  Sometimes I have to go for a drive just to have time to pray.

My husband and I have been in full time pastoral ministry since 1994, and we’ve pastored 3 churches.  We pastored in Vermont for 8 years, and we left there a pastorate in South Carolina.  We pastored in South Carolina for 9 years, then left the pulpit there to pastor in Missouri.  We left the church in Missouri without a church to go to.   When we took the church, they paid us well–for some it may not have seemed like much, but it was nearly double what our previous pastorates had paid.  After being there for 6 months, I was asked to be church secretary and treasurer.  I was a little hesitant to take the position, but the board assured me it was okay, and they needed someone.  I also thought having the extra income would be nice–it would provide me with the money to visit my kids in South Carolina (the 3 oldest stayed there since they were all over 18 and graduated high school) when I wanted to.

After about 5 years of being in Missouri, the church finances started to diminish and I willingly started volunteering help the church out.  We also cut the custodian’s pay in half.  We were okay with our personal finances but the church continued to struggle.  Another year passed and the church continued to struggle.  It was time for my husband (the pastor) to take a pay cut as well.  We cut his pay in half, which meant that we would not do well financially unless I went to work full time.  I was able to find a job as a Front Office Associate with Miracle Ear, and my husband found a part time job with Home Depot (16 hours a week).  With both of us working we were able to financially make it although things were a little tight.

Fast forward another year.  The first of January 2018, we decided that we’d put a certain amount in our savings each week, no matter what.   The last Wednesday in January, my boss came into my office on a Wednesday and let me go.  No explanation and no warning.  Although this was totally unexpected, we still managed to survive.  I collected unemployment for a few weeks, and we were still able to put the same amount in the savings.   I was still volunteering my time with the church, keeping up with the books and a few other things.  As Spring drew near, things were really starting to get stressful with the church’s finances and our finances.  We knew the inevitable was happening and we were putting it off.  Kind of like Jonah, when God wanted him to go to Nineveh and he didn’t want to go.

I’ve gone on and on for too long.  Keep in mind, that God is Faithful! and HE will direct your every step.

 

Having Faith or Knowing the Facts?

It’s been a long 1 1/2 years.  K has been in and out of 16 psychiatric hospitals, and she’s been at her current hospital since December 8, 2014.  She’s coming home in about 48 hours.  Am I ready?  I don’t know.  The past 6 months have been quite peaceful at home.  Although we’ve made the round trip to the hospital 3 times a week for visits (50 miles, 35 minutes in good traffic), had bi-weekly meetings with “the team” of healthcare professionals to help manage her care, throwing in an extra meeting an average of once a week, it’s been nice to not have to call 911 to come help manage our out-of-control 16-year-old with intellectual, cognitive, and mental disabilities.  It’s been nice to go somewhere and not wonder if she’s going to act out.  Shopping was an impossibility for the family.  Going to church was becoming a nightmare.

Our lives were changed when our daughter started her downward spiral into the world of mental illness.  We’ve studied things we were never interested in before. I’ve read enough articles and books that I could have a PhD in psychology.   I’ve found out more information about medications, therapy, and chromosomes than I ever knew existed.  I honestly believe I could be an expert in the field of mental illness. . . I certainly could be an advocate for the mentally ill.

When K entered the hospital on December 8, we no longer had to worry about violent outbursts, whether or not she’d try to burn the house down, or run away, or if we’d find her in her room with her arm all cut up and bleeding.  We wouldn’t have to call the ambulance or police for fear of her harming one of the neighborhood kids.  We’ve had a nice little respite, a reprieve from the day-to-day of our mentally ill daughter living in our house.  We’ve spent the past 4 Mondays getting our house ready for her to come home. . . locking up the knives, getting rid of old prescriptions, putting locking doorknobs on all the doors (except hers), replacing her bedroom window with plexiglass, and the list goes on.

Things are going to be different when K comes home.  Gone are the times of spontaneously going to the store for a midnight snack.  We can no longer sleep in until 9:00 if we want to (which we rarely did anyway).  Trips to Starbucks or Joann Fabrics will be a thing of the past.  I won’t be able to go to SC for a visit with family and friends whenever I want.  Trips to see my sister in Colorado will probably be planned around future hospital stays, and yes there will probably be more than 16.

Some may ask “Where’s Your Faith?”.  There’s a fine line between having faith and knowing the facts.  There’s nothing more that I want than for K to be “normal” again.  For her to come home, watch a movie and eat popcorn with us.  To take her shopping for clothes, or go to church and enjoy it.  To enjoy a meal, go on a walk, take her bowling, things like that.  Live a normal life.  But realistically?  That’s not going to happen.  She has several diagnoses–bipolar, psychosis, BPD (borderline personality disorder), to name a few.  Those are just the mental illnesses.  She also has a few physical things–nocturnal seizures, hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, 18Q deletion syndrome.  I probably forgot to name a few.

But yes, I’d love to live a normal life, be the normal family and do normal family activities together as a family.  Reality says it will never happen.  Our  future will consist of transporting to a special school 30 miles away, 5 days a week.  Once a week trips to the dr for blood work (to monitor medication).  Bi-weekly “team meetings” with the healthcare professionals working with/for us.  Weekly therapy sessions, and weekly behavioral therapy.  Oh, and did I mention that when K comes home, she will have a BPCA (Behavioral Personal Care Assistant) who will be with her for approximately 72 hours a week–which is basically all of K’s waking hours except while she’s in school.  That means, where ever we go, whether it’s to the store, to church, to a baseball game, the BPCA will be with us.  He/she will be in our home, invading our privacy, listening to our arguments, our prayers, our music, watching tv with us, eating with us. . . . .

I’m not sure what to thing.  Should I be happy that K’s coming home, or should I feel like we’re taking on another household member?  I don’t know what I feel, HOW I feel. . . but I’m glad I know WHO is in charge of my life.  As the old hymn goes “I KNOW WHO HOLDS TOMORROW”:

I don’t know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don’t borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to gray
I don’t worry o’er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I’ll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Chorus:
Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand

Your Hair is Sticking Up While You Burn Dinner

I have an active Facebook account, and I’m on there nearly every day.  I see people post things all the time like “Oh, I had a hair that just wouldn’t lay flat all day, or “I was cooking a great supper. . . until it burned”.  Must be nice to have a hair sticking up, or having a roast that burnt.  I wish that were the extent of my bad day.

While K (my 16 year old daughter) is in a mental hospital, I’m on a much needed vacation, visiting family and friends in SC.  I’ve been here for 3 days, and so far I’ve received 2 phone calls from the hospital.  The first phone call was to inform me that my daughter decided to get naked in front of everyone.  Yes, she took all her clothes off in front of all the other patients and staff members.  She was upset because she wasn’t getting her way, so she decided to strip.   The second phone call (which woke me up out of a sound sleep) was to let me know she had been taken to Juvenile Hall (I can’t remember what they actually called it) because she hit a staff member.  Are they stupid??????? Part of the reason she’s in the hospital in the first place is because of her violent outbursts.  K is on the autism spectrum, has 18q- syndrome, and has an IQ of 67.  She does not have the ability to control these violent outbursts, yet they want to press charges???

So, here I am, a thousand miles from home, trying to have a good time in spite of what’s going on back home (or rather, in the hospital),  My mentally ill daughter has stripped all her clothes off in front of other patients and the staff.  Now she is being arrested because she uncontrollably assaulted a staff member in a mental hospital.  I refuse to let these things get me down, I WILL enjoy my kids and my granddaughter.

I’m planning on lunch with friends  tomorrow, but before I go I think I will make sure my hair is sticking up and they burn dinner!

Another New Normal. . . .Maybe Now, Maybe Forever

It’s been awhile since I last wrote something because. . well, quite frankly, I haven’t felt like writing.  I haven’t felt much like doing anything.  I get up, get dressed (on days I go to the office), have a cup of coffee or two and the day begins.  Life is crazy these days.  I keep thinking one day it will get better, then I look back over the past few years and think “if things haven’t slowed down by now, they probably will NEVER slow down”.

K has been in the hospital since before Thanksgiving–that’s over 4 months!  That’s a long time for anyone to be in the hospital.  It’s even longer for someone who is 16 with the mental capacity of a 7 year old.  Imagine your 7 year old knowing she’s sick but doesn’t know what all is wrong with her.  Think of how frustrated she must feel when she wants to have her own clothes, her own bed, her own toothbrush, her own shampoo, her own things.  With her cognitive delays she would never understand everything, no matter how much we explained things to her.  I can’t remember the last time she was in school on a regular basis.

I recently mentioned to someone that I want things back to normal, knowing they never will be.  My friend’s response?  Things ARE normal.  It’s normal NOW to have three times a week hospital visits.  It’s normal for her to have outbursts and try to harm someone.  It’s normal for her to not be normal.

Huh?  It’s normal?? Yes.  It may not be what our lives were like before, but it’s normal . . . now.  It’s the new normal.  It’s different. It’s not what I want it to be, but it’s our lives now and we have to accept it for what it is.  It’s definitely not the life course I would have chosen, but it’s the direction in which God has allowed us to travel.  It’s our way of life.  Maybe just for now.  Maybe forever.  But it’s our life.

Funding is running out for K’s hospital stay, so we are looking at a discharge date of sometime in the next 30 days.  The “plan” is for her to go into a respite home for 30 – 60 days, then come home with a Personal Care Attendant (PCA) for 3 – 4 hours a day. Another new normal!  We will have someone in our home, 4 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Will I like this person?  Will she like my daughter?  Will she like the other people in our family? Will we be feeding her when we eat? Will we . . . . .the list of questions grows and grows.

On top of all this, I still must continue on with my job as church secretary AND babysitting my granddaughter while her mommy is at work.  (As it is now, I work opposite shifts of my daughter so I don’t have to take the baby to my office.) In the year or so I started a small personal business–nothing big, just trying to make a little extra cash to fund my frequent trips to South Carolina to see my other kids and grandbaby who live out there.  Between my three jobs (church, babysitting, and my Seams By Sarah Ellen job), I don’t get much sleep.  Maybe 4 hours a night, 5 on a good night.  But that’s just the hours I spend in bed, not total sleep time.

I know God is in control, and HE allows things to happen for a reason. There’s a verse in Ecclesiastes that says “There is a time for everything under the sun”.  I don’t know why this is happening, but it is.  Maybe this is just another new normal in our lives.  Perhaps someday along the road of life, I will meet someone who is going through what we are going through now, and I’ll be able to offer encouragement to them.  Whatever the reason, I will still put my trust in God–No, I will KEEP my trust in God.  HE is the keeper of my soul, my salvation, my life.  Whatever lies before me, I am willing to go as long as God is leading.

When I am weak, HE is strong.

Today we had our bi-weekly meeting with all of K’s doctors and everyone involved in her care. For the first time since we started having these meetings, I walked away feeling like a weight had been lifted. K will not be coming home anytime soon, and for that I am grateful.

What?? Are you thinking “Is she crazy for not wanting her daughter home?”  Don’t get me wrong.  I love K with everything that’s in me.  There’s actually nothing I want more than for our lives to be “normal” again, for K to be back living with us, for our family to be complete.  Except for a miracle, that will never happen.  That’s the strange thing about mental illness.  One day someone may seem fine, the next day they won’t.  Looking back, I can see some signs that something wasn’t right but we never really thought much about it. But that’s hindsight.  AND it’s in the past.  The past cannot be changed. We can say “If we had know, we would have _______________ .”  But we DIDN’T know. Sometimes mental illness strikes only to change an individual forever.

One of the people working with us said something today that really hit me hard.   She said things will never be the same, so we need to adjust to what it is now. When she said that, it hit me just right—I need to grieve.  Grieve for the K that we used to know, the K who is no longer with us, the daughter we no longer have.  Yes, she’s here in body, but she’s a different person than she was before.  Our whole lifestyle has changed and we must adjust.  This isn’t something I signed up to do, but nonetheless, it’s what God is allowing us to go through.

Last weekend I visited a relative I hadn’t seen in a few months.  As we were talking, I casually mentioned that I used to think God would only give special needs kids to special people, but I didn’t think that anymore. . . because I’m not anything special.  Oops, NEVER NEVER say that to a relative older than you, because they’re wise in their years.  She scolded me (but in a good way).  She said “Oh but you ARE special. God made you, didn’t he?”.  Ouch.  Truth hurts sometimes. Sometimes a reprimand is all we need to get back on the right track.

So, I need to grieve.  What is the right way to grieve? How long do I grieve? I don’t know the answers, but I know God is in control of every aspect in my life.  I know that no matter what lot I have been dealt in life, God is with me every step of the way.  My faith will keep me strong when I am weak.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

PRESSING ON

The past month has been an easy month, yet it’s been hard.  It’s been easy in the sense that K is now in a safe place.  She’s been in the same hospital since before Christmas, and I think they’re doing a great job with her.  What I see more than improvement is stabilization.  She still has violent outbursts and she still does self harm, but not nearly like it was before.  She started with two-on-one staff (two staff members with her at all times) when she was first admitted back in December. She’s now on one-on-one, and does good for the most part.  When I ask her if she knows why she’s there, she says “because I’m violent” or “because I self-harm”, or something else that she’s heard.  I truly believe she’s only repeating what she’s heard.  Because of her disabilities, she doesn’t understand, nor does she have the ability to understand, what is wrong with her.  Once she no longer has the one-on-one staff, she will be able to participate in the hospital’s residential program.  However, it may be proven she can never be free from the one-on-one, that she’ll always have to have someone with her.

I should be happy that she’s in a save place where she can get 24/7 care, and that she is being watched and taken care of. I am happy about that.  I feel safe now, and I feel confident she will and is getting the help she needs.  So why am I not relaxed?  Why do I worry?  Why am I scared?  Because she’s NOT home with me, because I don’t know what she’s doing 24/7.  Because I’m afraid that at any time she can relapse.

It’s hard.  I’ve heard people tell me “She sure has an anger problem”, or “what is wrong with her”, or “maybe it’s a spiritual problem”.   Yes, she has an anger problem, but there’s a reason for it.  It’s called MENTAL ILLNESS.  She has so many issues, so many diagnoses (i’ll save this for another blog).

So the question is, her room is empty.   Well, empty in the sense that she’s not in it.  Her bed, dresser, clothes, etc. are still there.  Every time I walk past her room, I think of her.  What did she have for lunch? Did she have a nap today? Has she made any friends yet?  I get sad, I get lonely for her.  I miss her like crazy, yet at the same time I know it’s what’s best for her.  I know it’s what’s best for US.  For everyone in the neighborhood.

If it weren’t for my friends and family, church family included, I don’t know how I would make it.  I know people are lifting our family up in prayer, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I’ve been so grumpy lately.  Grumpy with my family, with my friends, with church people (oops!! yes I have).  Yet, I know I have their support.I’m hoping they really are as understanding as I think they are.  I know this time in my life will pass and I will get through it, I will press on, and I will make it, I will come out on the other side stronger than ever before.

THE NEW NORMAL

Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for well-being, and not for calamity, in order to give you a future and a hope.”

I want things to be normal again.  I want a 9 to 5 job, I want soccer games, sleepovers and lots of noisy, giggly girls at my house.  I want my two youngest to go shopping together, and I want them to share the intimate details of their first crush, their first date, their first everything.  Unless God dramatically intervenes that will never happen.  K has been in the hospital more in the last year than she’s been home. She has been at the same facility now since December 8.  (She was transferred from a different facility where she had been for nearly a month before that.)  She is currently on her 16th hospital stay.

My day today will consist of babysitting, then going to the office to put in a few hours before going to visit K at the psychiatric hospital nearly 45 minutes from our house.  After coming home from visiting K, I will fix supper without having time to inhale any of it, then scurrying out the door to attend a much-needed prayer meeting.  I will then finish out my day by putting the finishing touches on a baby quilt I am making for someone, then work on some photographs I took last week but haven’t edited yet.

Yes, the day I just described hasn’t happened yet, it’s what is PLANNED to happen today.  The key word is PLANNED, because if anyone knows the life of a pastor’s family, things can change with the ring of a phone or receiving of a text message.  And having a daughter in a mental health facility.

I want to get up in the mornings, go to work, come home, fix supper (or order pizza) and attend a school function or a ballgame.  Sometimes maybe stay home and relax.  I want to take my girls to the mall and listen to them fight over what store we go to first or which restaurant we will eat lunch at.  Instead, everything I do revolves around doctor appointments and hospital visits and meetings for K, going to church, oh and did I mention editing papers for my husband’s graduate school classes?

Since K’s initial diagnosis in November 2013, things have never been the same.  I’d say things aren’t normal, but they are.  The life I just described is our normal life now.  It’s not what it was a year ago, but it’s normal.  It’s our NEW NORMAL.  I can choose to be bitter and resentful about all of life’s events that have transpired in the past year, or I can choose to accept the NEW NORMAL and let the joy come back in my life.  I choose the latter.   And I’ll save the JOY part for another blog.

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PRESENTS

I’m really feeling sad today for a number of reasons.  First of all, our daughter K won’t be with us for Christmas.  She’s currently on her 16th psych hospital stay and will be there for about 90 days this time.  I try to visit her every other day because it’s about a 45 minute drive, an hour if traffic is bad.  That’s just one way.  When we visit, sometimes we will stay for 10 minutes, and sometimes we stay for an hour.  It all depends on how she is doing at the moment.  One day I visited and after about 15 minutes, she asked what time it was.  She was really getting agitated and wanted to go back to her room, (we visit in a “visitation” room), so we left.  To stay longer would get her even more agitated and she very well could become aggressive again.

I say “again”, because that’s her new way of acting out.  She’s been violent toward staff nearly every day of her stay there–since December 8–and just recently she attacked another patient for calling her the “b” word.  She has no remorse for attacking the patient, nor does she understand that it’s not right to do so.

This is the first year that we’ve actually had the money to have our Christmas shopping finished early, yet I’ve barely begun.  What?!?!?!?  Yea, you heard right.  Two days,  TWO DAYS!! until Christmas and I still haven’t finished.  It’s going to be a really stressful two days–finish shopping, make cookies and fudge, clean house, wrap presents, and somewhere squeeze in a visit with K.

There have been several days in this past week that I went out to run an errand and it would take me twice as long.  Why?  Because I had to stop the car, sit for a while and just cry.  I don’t have the strength to do everything.  Oh, and did I mention I still have to work part-time as church secretary AND babysit my beautiful 6 month old granddaughter? I know I could have prevented a lot of the stress myself, but it’s just so hard to even function these days. I may put on a happy face when I’m around others, but those who really know me, know that I’m really struggling.  They support me in prayers and thoughts, and for that I am ever thankful.

It’s not really about the presents anyway, it’s not about who gets what gift, and how much money I spent on everyone.  I love all my kids equal, those who live with me and those who don’t, all five of them.  My daughter-in-law, my son-in-law, and most definitely both of my granddaughters.  I wish I could do more, maybe next year will be different.  in the meantime, I still have two shopping days left.  . . . . .

Thanks for reading, and if you think of it, say a prayer for me and my family.

“I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me”. Philippians 4:13

A NEW DAY

A week from today is Christmas Eve, and for many of us, we have Christmas Eve traditions as well as Christmas traditions.  Our family, since our kids have been small, has always spend Christmas Eve evening at home, having finger foods and enjoying each other’s company.  Sometimes we’ve also celebrated the day with friends.  Meatballs, cocktail weenies, ham wraps, sausage/cheese dip, frosted sugar cookies, cheese n crackers, and pepperoni are just a few of the things the kids enjoy. Usually someone in the household has had to work on Christmas Eve, so we always wait until that person comes home, then we open up stockings and one present.

This year we will deviate from our tradition some.  No one has to work, and we will (probably) only  have two kids at home.  Having two of our kids in South Carolina, along with their spouses and a grandbaby, makes me enjoy this year just a little bit less.  Throw in the fact that another child is in a psychiatric hospital and from the way things are going, probably will be there on Christmas Eve, that makes things seem even a little more “bleak” (for lack of a better word).

Oh yea, did I mention that I’ve barely put a dent in my shopping?  Not that we get the kids tons of things, because we don’t, but we do like them to have presents to open on Christmas day.  I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been too busy, but in reality it’s because I just haven’t felt like shopping.  Christmas has always been my favorite season of the year, but this year it just seems different.  I need to just get over it, and go shopping for the sake of the kids and grand babies.  It’s not about me. Sure, I like to receive presents–who doesn’t?  I need to go out and find those good sales, those special gifts meant just for that one, the gift that says “Baby’s first Christmas”. . . stuff like that.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Lord, give me the strength I need to get through the rest of today so I can accomplish tomorrow what needs to be done.  Help me to carry through with my responsibilities in life.  Give me the energy and the desire to do what I know needs to be done.  Amen.